Epic of Evolution  
 

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~ Milton Berle

 

For Fun

Video

"Galaxy Song" - Eric Idle's singing is accompanied by animation of dancing stars and galaxies in our evolving universe.

"Evolution" – Lively television commercial by Guinness that tells the story of mankind’s 3 billion year wait for the perfect pint. Set to the music of ‘Rhythm of Life’ By Sammy Davis Jr.

"Evolution of Dance" - Judson Laipply's popular performance on YouTube.


Jokes

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades. ~ Ted Smith

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Adams Rib

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. He was terribly lonesome. God says, “What’s wrong, Adam?” Adam responds, “I’m lonely. There’s no one to talk to.”

So God says, “I will give you a companion, Adam. I will give you a woman. She will cook for you. She will wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag. She will always admit she’s wrong in every argument. She will never have a headache. And she will always freely give love and compassion.” Adam queries, “God, what will a woman like that cost?” God replies, “It’ll cost you an arm and a leg.” Adam says, “What can I get for a rib?”

And the rest is history. ~ from THE CREATIONIST CONUNDRUM A MESSAGE FOR JANUARY 30, 2005 By Dr. Brian K Bauknight, Christ UM Church, Bethel Park, PA

Literate Orangutan

A zookeeper came across an orangutan reading two books. One was the Bible; the other was Darwin’s Origin of Species. “Why are you reading such opposite books?” the zookeeper asked. Replied the orangutan, “Well, I’m trying to figure out if I’m supposed to be my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Dear God, we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday school they said you did it. I bet he stole your idea.

“If we are going to teach creation science as an alternative to evolution, then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological reproduction.” ~ Judith Hayes

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~ Milton Berle


Scientists and God

One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.

God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.

The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!" ~ Science Jokes

In the beginning was the word
WORD
WORE
GORE
GONE
GENE
and by mutations came the gene
(Michael A. Arbib)

Q: How many evolutionary biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes millions of years.

Never lend a geologist money. They consider a million years ago to be recent.

/* HUMAN_DNA.H

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/

/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/

/* Standard definitions
*/

#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/

#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"

#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include <sex.h>

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===

...and so on.


[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]


--

The original author of this joke is Mathew Murphy.

This page last updated January 17, 2007.
© Light Heart Media.


 


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